Ferbertizing My Eggs

This morning Mouse and Chipmunk wanted to talk about their parts.  Yeah, those parts.  Specifically, I walked in on them sitting on Mouse’s loft bed, comparing their girly bits.  When I opened the door to get them ready for the morning, Chipmunk cheerfully announced, “Look, Mommy, we looking at our pee-pee places!  Mina has big one!”  Best thing ever to hear first thing in the morning.  

Last year, I wrote about a talk between me and Mouse on a very related topic.  It seems appropriate to share it now, despite that it is an old discussion.  And really, all awkward sex talk is timeless.

Dear Mouse,

Today’s letter? It is about the birds and the bees. Yes, Mouse, you are only 3.5 years old, but we have officially had our first, ahem, discussion. You see, since you’re only 3.5 years old, you have no sense of privacy. Therefore, you feel it is very normal to walk in on your mom while she’s in the bathroom. Recently, you did this and stumbled upon mom, err, dealing with her time of the month. After some initial worry that I’d had some kind of enormous ouchy, the “why” questions started…

Mouse: “Why do you bleed, Mommy?”
Mommy: “Because that happens to women, usually once a month.”
Mouse: “Why?”
(Eternity passes in five seconds…)
Me: “Um, well, you make an egg every month, and if it doesn’t get fertilized, then you have your period, and that is when you bleed.”
(Now, yes, I understand that you had no hope of understanding what I just said, but a) I think it’s silly to make up weird stuff to get out of telling your kids the truth and b) I honestly couldn’t think of anything else to say.)
Mouse: “You have an egg in your woodah??? Like the chickens?? What color is it?”
Me: “No, no, not the same. It is really itty bitty, with no shell.”
Mouse: “Oh, well why did you not ferbertize it?”
Me: “You usually need someone else for that. Usually a Daddy.”
Mouse: “Why did Daddy not ferbertize it? Was he busy at work?”

This conversation went on for a few more minutes until we started getting into some real existential questions about why people have babies and can you scramble Mommy’s eggs for breakfast. Well, Mouse, at this point I realized the error of my ways and I changed the subject to what kind of snack we were going to have that morning.  So there you have it. I guess I’ve always been of the mind that kids should just know the mechanics of sex if they asked, but once I actually started explaining it, I did feel a few pangs of uncertainty. Would you go and talk about egg ferbertizing at the playground and make the other mommies think I was some kind of weird misfit? Would you start wondering about ferbertizing your own eggs? I felt the need to explain that sometimes two mommies or two daddies start this process as well, but the whole thing got so out of hand so quickly.

I also realized that the real conversation about sex when you’re in your teens is pretty darn scary. Be that as it may, don’t think that your mother was too puritanical and to ever discuss the birds and the bees. To the contrary, I was perhaps willing to discuss it all too early, and got scared away. This letter is my proof that I tried though. My heart was in the right place, you just surprised me a little too early, kiddo.


So there it is.  A year later, it is clear to me that this stuff never goes away.  Crap.

10 Comments on “Ferbertizing My Eggs”

  1. Stephanie says:

    Frankly, I’m a little terrified about having to have this talk with my boy. Considering the fact that right now he doesn’t say a word just compounds my fear and anxiety about it. Hopefully he will understand the basics when he’s old enough and hopefully I’ll know what to say about “boy stuff” (his dad better be ready!). And I did burst out laughing about Mouse asking if Daddy was too busy at work to ferbertize your eggs!

    • jisun says:

      I know, even though I wrote that whole post about wanting to support my kids’ sexuality, I can’t lie and say it doesn’t give me pause when it actually happens. Phew. At least we’ll have each other to hold virtual hands and laugh our asses off!

  2. PsychoJenic says:

    They say as soon as they are old enough to start asking questions, they are old enough to be given answers. Obviously you can tailor it for age appropriateness, but still.
    Eldest has always referred to his parts by their proper names, a fact that made some of the mothers of his classmates uncomfortable. WTF?

    • jisun says:

      I know, that is a funny thing, somehow making up alternative names is more proper. We had that at our preschool, they didn’t want anyone to use the word “butt”. The kids had to say “behind”. I rolled my eyes at that one.

  3. Mardra says:

    “Why did Daddy not ferbertize it? Was he busy at work?”?” OMG! I’m laughing at the Reality of that statement. Tears of laughter. I could barely read the rest of the blog.

  4. Never. Never ever. It doesn’t get easier, either! Ferbertize…ha ha ha !

    • jisun says:

      Aw, well why ya gotta go tell me that? I was holding out a wee bit of hope. Dashed. Probably a thousand times harder when they’re older. One word: convent.

  5. Lisa says:

    Hahaha! Yep, gotta love those conversations!

  6. Galit says:

    My oldest was pretty well-informed and non-obsessed, so now when my second is in the throes of adolescence, I’m dealing with it on a TOTALLY DIFFERENT LEVEL. She looks stuff up on Urban Dictionary and then asks me about it.

    I’m pretty sure at her age I had not heard about half of those things, much less asked my mom why anyone would want to do it.

    The stock answer is that if there is anything she can imagine people doing with their private parts, then someone, somewhere has done it for sexual pleasure — and given it a name in Latin.

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