I’m in the weeds.

After graduating from culinary school, I worked in the kitchen of a fairly schmancy restaurant in San Francisco.  (Yes, culinary school, you’re surprised, I know.  So were my parents, since a culinary degree isn’t really the natural second step after a bachelor’s in psychology.  But I digress…)

In professional kitchens, sometimes a cook will declare, “I’m in the weeds.”  No, not that kind of weed.  (Although, I think that kind of weed can get one into the proverbial weeds if unwisely used.)  It means you’re behind.  As in, service starts in twenty minutes and you’ve still got to pump out a batch of beurre blanc, poach that rhubarb for the foie gras, make three more purees, and you just burnt your port wine reduction.  And someone just stole the one pan that you need to make the one thing, and no other pan will do.  Working as a line cook did not help my hoarding tendencies, let me tell you.

It isn’t as if the restaurant can tell all those people waiting outside that, oh, sorry, we need a few more minutes because Jisun just burned her port reduction.  Time marches on, and somehow you need to dig your way out.  Often, with the help of kind coworkers, I did manage to figure it out, and my time in the weeds came less and less often.

I’m not at the restaurant anymore, but holy schmoly, am I in the weeds.  Tall, scratchy, never-ending weeds.

I always feel just a tad guilty when they spread dandelion seeds...

I always feel just a tad guilty when they spread dandelion seeds…

(Here, I must apologize for announcing that I was pregnant and then promptly disappearing from the internet.  Don’t worry, everything is ok.  Latke is fine, the Taters are fine, I’m fine, the fetal Tater is doing just fine.  Fetal + Tater = Fater?)

I got sick.  Really, effing sick.  I never got an official diagnosis of hyperemesis gravidarium, but that’s pretty much what I had.  Couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink, dehydrated, puked every time I smelled anything at all.  Ultimately, I lost some weight, which is not what you want when trying to grow an entire person.  As an aside, I don’t think many people understand what it is about smells and having very bad morning sickness.  It isn’t just the typically bad smells.  Sure, car exhaust, cigarette smoke, rotten fish, those are very bad.  However, so too are the smells of soap, freshly cut grass, and garlic.  Even just stale elevator air can do it.  Everyone’s triggers are different, of course, but it is about smells in general, not just bad ones.

Anyways.  I spent the better part of four months curled up in a fetal position while my kids watched Frozen over and over (and over) again. Every now and then I’d get up to make them food, eat a couple bites myself, hurl, then lay back down on the couch again.  It was just wondrous.

Latke really tried, but taking care of your sick wife, three kids, working 50 hours a week, and doing anything outside of the Essential-Matter-of-Life-and-Death category is just not possible.  Once I finally started to feel better, I looked up, and it was official.  The Kimchi Latkes household was in the weeds.

I just can’t seem to get it together again.  No matter how many loads of laundry I do, how many things I organize, how many items I cross off the list.  I’m still in that field of weeds.

Fortunately, like the restaurant, there are good people with me and Latke.  Family who came to take the kids for overnights, friends who brought food and pitched in to get the house cleaned for us, strangers who helped when they saw me turning green as the kids ran in opposite directions at the un-fenced park.

In the meantime, the Fater seems to have grown despite almost killing me.  I’m 22 weeks pregnant and all seems well.  Anyone volunteering to carry this baby for the remaining 18 weeks, please email me.

I should probably not be too concerned about the weeds.  Sunsets, hot summer days, hummingbirds.  They’ll all exist whether or not I’m in the weeds.  So I figure, no matter how many piles of laundry I’ve got, how many blog posts I’ve failed to write, and how many dishes are in the sink, I should still take the time to look up and appreciate the rest of my life.  Mouse is learning how to read and write, which is sweet and somewhat hilarious (the English language is sort of messed up, dude).  Chipmunk is busy trying to grow up so she can be the same age as her sister (I haven’t quite managed to get through to her about the whole space-time continuum yet).  LP is close to walking and has a very demanding schedule of house destruction that he adheres to every day.  He’s not one to shirk his duties, you know.

This picture has nothing to do with weeds, but isn't he cute?

This picture has nothing to do with weeds, but isn’t he cute?

* Note: Anyone I owe anything to, I’m really sorry.  I’m trying to dig my way out, I haven’t forgotten about you, can we still be friends?

32 Comments on “I’m in the weeds.”

  1. ajummama says:

    was going to email you anyhow but your blog post appeared first. even in the weeds, your writing is so clear and i’ve missed your voice so much! don’t pressure yourself to do more on top of what you’re already juggling…and it ain’t “FAILING” to blog btw! good to hear from you though!

  2. So glad to hear that you’re okay! I’ve missed your wit and wisdom! Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but make the weeds into a fort while you’re there. :)

  3. Galit says:

    Hope you feel better soon! My 4th pregnancy was by far the hardest of them. I was not particularly nauseous, but I was continuously exhausted. All I can say is, it does end! And then you just have a newborn to take care of! (and 3 growing kids…)
    Big hugs!
    (btw, speaking of restaurants, check out my latest project: http://matir-asurim.blogspot.com/2014/07/power-cafe.html)

    • jisun says:

      Wow, so glad to hear of your new project! I wonder if you’ve talked to the people from CO, who run Steamers Coffeehouse? They are doing a very similar thing, I hope there are many more starting businesses like this!

  4. Diana says:

    You will make your way out of the weeds. I’m so glad to see you back around the blogosphere and to hear that you’re feeling better and the fam is doing well. Welcome back. :)

  5. Lori says:

    Whew! Not glad to hear about your feeling ill but happy to hear that you and the fam are okay.

  6. I developed a strong aversion to the smell of our brand new house when I was pg with Roman. With Kelly I developed an aversion to Words With Friends. No kidding. It made my stomach churn.
    Pregnancy sucks. Hang tough. Burn the weeds. It’s faster.

    • jisun says:

      I’m glad to hear another mother of a big family say pregnancy sucks. I feel like people look at me and just assume I must love it since this is my fourth. Nope. Not loving it!

  7. lil says:

    so happy youre back bloggin and hope you can get those weeds under control soon :)

  8. mummalove says:

    We sure have missed you, but just happy to know you’re all okay, weeds and all. And, for the record, there are plenty of weeds around this joint too…wait, that came out wrong ;) I’m always behind, and no doubt will be for eons to come. Such is life with littlies I think. Much love to you and the crew xx

  9. Aww! Sorry to read you’ve been having a rough time- I was wondering if your were okay after you announcement!

    I’m thankful to read this post even though you are ‘in the weeds’. This was well written and your kitchen descriptions help convey the hustle and stress of your environment. Wish I could actually offer more help than a mere comment… May God continue to restore and strengthen you during the remainder of your pregnancy and as you transition to your next chapter as a family.

    • jisun says:

      I did have a little trip down memory lane when I wrote this. Kitchens are so intense, but the adrenaline is also addicting. Not that I miss coming home at midnight and collapsing into bed, exhausted every night. :)

      Yes, all is well over here, I’m feeling terrible for having caused so many people to worry!

  10. I’ve thought of you often knowing it’s been a rough round of maternal glory for you. I’ll bet your kiddos have enjoyed a less busy mama and I’m glad to hear the sickness has abated. So sorry you had to suffer through that. It’s great to hear your “voice” again. Btw, I had “in the weeds” nightmares many times after years of serving as waitstaff in both high school and college. I’ve used that analogy in life and even in a recent blog post, too, as it carries an emotional weight that sums up feeling buried quite well. I feel suffocated each time I say it! Take it slow and enjoy the simplicity. Smile and breathe! So excited about Fater! xoxo

    • jisun says:

      Ha, kind of like the dreams people so often have about forgetting to study for finals in school. Some anxiety is timeless. ;)

  11. Mardra says:

    Just so happy to *see* you!

  12. vandeblogger says:

    First of all: CONGRATULATIONS!! I too am in the weeds, and have been since baby number 4 happened and as a result I have not read ANY blogs in months (sad) and I missed your announcement! I’m sorry to hear you’ve been so sick. Pregnancy is hard and pregnant with little kids is hard and then being miserably sick as a result of pregnancy? UGH.

    Also, I read your announcement post and I worried too about what people would think/say about us having another baby after Daniel, but I experienced surprisingly little judgement (at least to my face.) I hope the same is true for you.

  13. vandeblogger says:

    Oh, and one more thing: 4 pregnancies in 6 years? I’m there with you, definitely no joke!!

  14. Jisun,
    Of course we can still be friends! We will always be friends! It’s me who has been away for far too long and something led me to you today. What a beautiful post…full of so many layers and great surprises (like triple decker chocolate cake!)
    Congrats on Fater and glad you and your family are all doing well. I’m sorry I’ve been gone, too. You’ve never been far from my thoughts. xo

  15. Lisa says:

    I am so sorry – I feel your pain. I have a chronic nausea / vomiting syndrome and last year had an awful flare up that lasted about 7 months. I lost 50 lbs and was in the ER 7 times for fluids and IV Zofran. I hope you are feeling better now but just wanted to show some solidarity. <3

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