Dear Sparrow

Dear Sparrow,

I’m going to call you Sparrow, cool?  Cool.  You have the cutest little face with such dark black eyes.  And well, you sort of flew into our lives.

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My mind was full of thoughts during my labor with you.  In fact, my mind was full even up until the end, when I birthed you. Frankly, it complicated things. Probably not the last time I’m stuck in my own head when I should just be taking your lead.

Mostly, I was full of questions about who you were going to be. How could I simultaneously feel such a deep sense of knowing you, without ever having laid eyes on your face? Even at three weeks old I don’t know much about you.  I don’t know if you’ll be reserved or boisterous, funny or serious. I don’t know what your struggles and triumphs will be.

What do I know? Well, you don’t like to sleep. You like milk. A lot. Sometimes, after a long crying jag, you let out the cutest, exasperated, defeated sigh. Like I’m just not getting the memo that you need to be bounced or fed at all times.

So clearly, I don’t know much.

Yet, I can’t help but feel like I do know you. I know you, like a tree knows when to put out new buds, birds know which way to fly, or a river knows which way to flow. I’m your mother and I know you, you know? This knowledge seems at once so simple, like a reflex, but also has a sense of eternity; even as your path twists and winds itself away from our joined beginning, I will always know some essential part of who you are.

Still. I am just your beginning, not your middle or end.

But goodness, what a beginning it is. During every moment of calm since you were born, I’ve been trying to soak you in, as if I could psychically reabsorb you just for a moment, and we would be one again. I know that every time I smell your soft, downy head that these moments are numbered.

You might wonder, if you are reading this as an adult, why I seem so bittersweet about our beginnings together, why I seem so keen on holding onto this feeling. It is because, this may be your beginning, but you are my middle. It feels as if my whole life has worked up to you and your brother and sisters. Your arrival has given me a sense of completeness that I haven’t been able to fully understand yet.

So. Welcome to the world, little Sparrow.

Love,
Your Mother

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20 Comments on “Dear Sparrow”

  1. anawnimiss says:

    I’m not a mother yet, but when I think about what motherhood would be like, this is exactly what I imagine. Knowing and not knowing at the same time.

    Congratulations on being the beginning of such a beautiful little Sparrow. I’m sure one day she will grow up and become teary-eyed as she reads this.

  2. Lori says:

    Sparrow’s beautiful little face took my breath away. Congratulations to you and your family.

  3. Soomin says:

    Congratulations!! Sparrow is so cute!!!! Her eyes look just like yours in the picture! Please say hi to everyone in the family for me and Mike!!! xxxxx

  4. ajummama says:

    She definitely flew into your lives. I love the name “sparrow” because it is perfect for her smart, dark eyes but also because I have fond memories of my mama telling me that the sparrows are chirping just for me as we walked to kindergarden, one of the rare times I was able to spend with her. I love “Sparrow” so much that I wish it could be part of her gov’t name f’real! Wow, the ending of the post-you know imma email you! Congrats one mo’ ‘gain on becoming sparrow’s mama!

  5. I love this so much, maybe because I am the fourth one too. There is a gospel song I love that talks about how “Gods eye is on the Sparrow so I know he’s watching over me”

  6. Mardra says:

    You always make every word worth the wait.
    (This does not mean I will wait patiently, however)
    Much love to all <3

  7. Jisun,
    Oh my goodness…you have my mama heart on overdrive this morning. What a beautiful tribute to your new little Sparrow. Your kiddos are so blessed to have a mama as insightful and thoughtful as you.
    As far as not getting “the memo” I still miss the ones my kiddos send me from time to time. Complete misses and mix ups–perfect opportunities to laugh and learn together.
    LOVED this post…I’m sorry it took me so long to read it.
    xoxoxoxo

  8. Choosing says:

    Congratulations on your cute little bird… And thanks for putting a mother’s love in such beautiful words… I wish you and your little one all the best – may she be happy, always (know that such a wish is impossible… but still ….)

  9. laceystiles says:

    This is so beautiful, I wish I had written it myself. I also want to reabsorb my little girl sometimes. And everything you wrote was spot on. You have a supreme voice. You should write a book. Just lovely!


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