Cutting RootsPosted: December 29, 2015 Filed under: homeschooling, marriage, personal growth, the future | Tags: Marriage, Oregon, Willamette Valley, work-life balance 19 Comments
Five years ago, we bought a house in a little East Oakland neighborhood called Maxwell Park, and I immediately ordered a bunch of bareroot trees from a nursery catalog. It was my first claim to an actual piece of dirt, and I wanted that dirt to bear literal fruit as soon as possible.
I knew that trimming the roots and cutting down the main trunk was good for a dormant tree, but my goodness did it feel all kinds of wrong. Latke and I stood in the backyard with what looked like little more than a few dead branches and a branch cutter and held our breaths. Snip. Snip. Snip. All said and done, we had a little mound of wet dirt with a few sticks poking out and only the promise of stone fruit one day.
We did get fruit, literally and figuratively. I gave birth to three of our four children in that house. My kids laid their heads to rest every night just a few feet from those trees. A thousand pretend worlds were created in that backyard as those trees silently spread their roots and pushed out leaves every spring. During LP’s first summer, we had the most delicious peaches I’d ever eaten.
Yet, life felt like a struggle. Despite the knowledge that we were doing all the things we were “supposed” to do, none of it felt very good. It is hard to put my finger on what exactly was so difficult because on paper, we had a decent life. And I was grateful for that life, our friends and family, the kids, the house.
Maybe it was Latke’s 12 hour a day work schedule, or looking into our financial future and realizing that we would never be able to outpace the Bay Area prices. Maybe it was the drought and sun and urbanity; I felt the constant urge to drive into a forest somewhere, climb a tree, and yell at the top of my lungs. Maybe it was the endless traffic that prevented me from going to any forests.
Everything felt like a compromise but I could never quite convince myself that any of it was worthwhile. Latke left for so many hours a day so we could have a roof over our heads. I put up with the toxic parents at the park complaining about their cleaning ladies and stressful tropical vacation planning so I could see my actual friends and their beautiful children. We lived in a neighborhood that felt unsafe at times, because we loved Oakland. I put up with the intellectual elitism of the Bay Area because I thought I couldn’t find such progressive politics anywhere else.
At some point in 2015, both Latke and I looked at each other and voiced what we’d been feeling for so long: Is this it? Is this the end game? Have we arrived?
So we did some root trimming this year.
Latke left his firm’s partnership and started his own practice and now works from home. We moved temporarily into my parents’ house (thank you, Mom and Dad!), sold our house, and… moved to Oregon. Yep. Beautiful, rainy, green, Oregon. We live right now in a little apartment, eventually we are going to buy a house with some acreage. The plan is to unschool with the kids, work a little less, play a lot more, and stop making so many compromises.
It hurt to trim those roots, to leave the place I’d grown up. We left behind some very dear friends and I miss being near my parents. I have some very visceral attachments with the Bay Area that I’ll always miss. Coming through the Caldecott tunnel and seeing the Port of Oakland and San Francisco stretched out on the water. The tule fog. The Korean restaurants I’d been going to since childhood. Driving along Ocean Beach. The produce. And the produce.
On the surface our new life is not very extraordinary. Latke still works full days. We took a fairly large financial loss to make the move happen. Things are unsettled; we haven’t totally found ourselves here, Latke’s legal practice is still in flux, we have piles of boxes in the garage unopened. I am still tired (thank you, Sparrow). I lose my temper, and I worry.
I think we are, once again, looking at a bare mount of dirt with some sticks poking out.
Yet I’m so grateful we left. We were able to get rid of a car because Latke works at home now. We eat nearly three meals a day together. Things are more flexible; the kids get to see their father more often and I don’t feel like I’m a one woman show for 12 hours a day. The six of us have been discovering the Willamette Valley, rain or shine. At the end of each day, Latke and I actually look at each other with smiles on our faces more often than not. We have had enough time to nurture our marriage and remember how much fun we have together.
I had no idea how much Latke and I had changed until he quit his job and suddenly began spending more time with the family. Our politics, bodies, hopes and dreams have all been shifting over the last seven or eight years. Which is normal and inevitable with the passage of time, but when I married him I wanted to evolve together, not just be two people sharing resources. It shocked me to think that we could have gone along like we did and one day looked at each other like strangers.
At the end of the day, I kept coming back to these four people we have made. What are we going to teach our children? I don’t want to be the kind of parent who tries to prepare my children for the life compromises I never wanted to make. I want to be the kind of parent who prepares my children to make leaps that I can’t even comprehend yet. Given that, quitting your job and moving so you can unschool your children in the country seems like a baby step.
So that’s what we have been up to all these months I’ve been missing from this blog. There’s a lot more to it, of course. I’ve decided to get involved in DownSyndrome Achieves (an effort that will create a biobank for Down syndrome specific research purposes). I’ve been tossing around the idea of writing a collection of short stories. I want to slowly start thinking about what I’ll do when I leave PregnantOrNursingBabyLand. Maybe I’ll teach? Write? Start a family business?
I am remembering how to dream.
Wistful and jealous. Admiring your bravery. Smiling at the thought of new roots, a new life and the wonders that lie ahead for you. Please, please write the stories! …Please.
Thank you! Especially for the writing encouragement, I need all I can get, haha. ;)
Congratulations!!!! I needed to read this so bad today. You guys are doing it right. Please keep us posted. Love your honesty.
*Also, could you refer your loyal readers to some books that may have inspired your bravery? This is a big theme in my life right now. Cheers! :)
Thank you Alexis! Gosh, I dunno about books though, because currently my reading list is comprised of Harry Potter and Little House on the Prairie. ;) Honestly, I want to say that our decision wasn’t even about bravery than it was about confidence. I’ve learned to trust myself in adulthood to make choices that might not be popular but are right for us. Maybe there’s an element of bravery in there but mostly it feels like we are making the only logical choices we can, because not trying to change would mean accepting that we didn’t deserve more. Anyways. Good luck, mama, it sounds like you are wanting to make some changes as well! xo
What a great post. It is amazing how you can get into a rut and look at eachother and ask “what are we doing?” I think it is something we all struggle with and I’m so happy you followed your heart and are doing what you think is best! Great mom and beautiful family!
Thank you! Yes, it is amazing how it just sneaks up. Happy New Year!
Love this. We aren’t lab rats running in a man-made maze after all. Looking forward to seeing you climb a fine, 150-year old Oregon maple and yawping at the top of your lungs: “Free will!”
Oh wow. That’s awesome. I’m going to send your post to my husband, who’s also been discussing our ‘intentional living’ (or lack thereof), and choice of home/suburb. I think it’s interesting that your decision to move hasn’t necessarily been comfortable, even if it’s been positive in many ways. Thanks for the inspiration and thoughts to ponder xx
No, definitely not entirely comfortable. We were just talking about this actually, that our level of stress is not actually all that different but by contextualizing our daily lives differently we feel so much happier. Happy New Year, friend!
Happy to see you are back in blogging world! :-) Congratulation on your new life, the courage, the hard work, the freeing of spirits. Wish you all the luck in your new home! Have a great year – 2016 and beyond!
Thank you! I’m going to try to write more, wish me luck, haha. ;)
I love this. Good for you for making hard changes to support what feels right for you and your family. And thanks for you honesty about marriage. It is hard to continue growing together when you have children and jobs and life that get in the way of connecting. I think short stories would be great for you, or a book that chronicles your blog posts. I love your writing. I’d definitely buy your book!
Thank you mama! xo
Also, especially loved your quote here: “I don’t want to be the kind of parent who tries to prepare my children for the life compromises I never wanted to make. I want to be the kind of parent who prepares my children to make leaps that I can’t even comprehend yet. Given that, quitting your job and moving so you can unschool your children in the country seems like a baby step.” It made me realize that MY parents, as stuffy and unimaginative as they seem now, were equally brave – they moved to a different country, different language, different norms. Heck, hubby did the same, although you could argue he didn’t have a language barrier. It takes chutzpah to be an immigrant, whether from another country or another state or another lifestyle.
I love this! I’d been wondering how things were going for you all. I’ve been away from Twitterland for so long. My husband & I have Unschooled both our girls from the start (including my daughter with Ds) & we love it! I quit working to do this & my husband also became self-employed. It might be less money but what we do have is time to be here now with one another. Congrats on the move & the career move. Best wishes to you & your lovely family. Holler if you ever come to Texas – we’d love to meet you! Hugs, Julie
Oh, man, I somehow missed this comment in all my alerts, but I really want to talk to you about unschooling and disability! Because most of the people I know how homeschool their kids with Ds are very curriculum based. Now I really want to go to Texas!! :)
Oh my goodness I hope you keep blogging about this! This is a dream my husband and I have always had and we also talk about unschooling and wonder how that would fit into our little one with ds. I wish I could come to Oregon and see your acreage- I feel like we would have so much to chat about!:)