The roller coaster has been strong lately. I’m on an every other day cycle. One day I’m pretty happy, LP seems to be doing well, I’m thinking about the days when I was so sad, past tense. I call that a rainbows-and-unicorn day.
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I’m part of a Facebook group of moms with babies born around the same time, who also have Down syndrome. Today a discussion came up about prenatal testing, termination, and getting a diagnosis before vs. after birth. Well, I went and stuck my foot in my mouth there, carelessly saying something that made some other mothers feel judged about their decision to do the prenatal tests. I profusely apologized, and all is well I think, but I got to pondering… why had I done that? I couldn’t stop posting to that thread, my urge to keep letting out these stream-of-consciousness thoughts would not stop. What was that???
Mother guilt. Awful, irrational, inescapable mother guilt that I am just starting to face. Read the rest of this entry »