Motherhood: Pulled from the Ether

I am your mother.

I dreamed of you before your souls were tied to any physical existence.  I was your mother before you even came to be.  Your existence floated all around me, waiting.  In the beginning, your physical form came into being within mine, pulled from the ether into my body.  The first electrical currents of your thoughts began inside my body—each of you, the tiniest snow globe inside of me, housing the cracks and thunder bolts of your emerging personality.   The first thumps of your hearts, began in me. Read the rest of this entry »

Guilt, forgiveness, and surrender.

I’m part of a Facebook group of moms with babies born around the same time, who also have Down syndrome.  Today a discussion came up about prenatal testing, termination, and getting a diagnosis before vs. after birth.  Well, I went and stuck my foot in my mouth there, carelessly saying something that made some other mothers feel judged about their decision to do the prenatal tests.  I profusely apologized, and all is well I think, but I got to pondering… why had I done that?  I couldn’t stop posting to that thread, my urge to keep letting out these stream-of-consciousness thoughts would not stop. What was that???

Mother guilt.  Awful, irrational, inescapable mother guilt that I am just starting to face.   Read the rest of this entry »